When the illness hit, it was sudden and hard with no warning. First thinking it was the flu, later finding out it was fibromyalgia with all of its symptoms and pain. A few months later along came the arthritis with the stiff and sometimes swollen painful joints. I had three wonderful sons, a loving husband, a job and a nice home. Life seemed great until my loss came about. As a healthy, active woman of 41 this was hard to swallow. Chronic illness was something I had heard of but never imagined it would happen to me.
I guess you could say I went through the seven stages of grief. First, shock and denial, those results have to be wrong! Not me, I take care of myself and my family. God would not allow this to happen to me. Pain and guilt came next. Not only did it hurt physically from the illness, my heart ached that this was really happening. Guilt flooded in that I should have done things differently before this happened like going on more outings with my children. Taking more time away from work, housework and trivial things and spent more one on one time with everyone. Anger, asking why is God allowing this? I have a family to care for along with this lovely special needs child He has allowed me to be blessed with. Depression, and lonliness came together. Having an invisible illness made it hard for others to understand and believe what I was going through. Friends were lost. I was so sad that this happened. I hurt and could not go out and do the physical things I loved to do like playing basketball with the children or riding bikes. Gardening was also too hard. I felt so lonely. Like nobody understood what I was feeling or going through. Would my husband leave me and would I end up all alone? Would my children go hang out with other friends parents who could do more and keep up? How could I care for my special needs child? Reflection falls into this category also, which I did a lot of. With the tears came the reflecting on my life. What I had done, not done and what I need to do.
The upward turn started from there. I was a christian, yet needed to totally commit myself to God. I could not do anything without Him in my life. I spent a lot of time in prayer and now know through these trials God still has purpose for my life and loves me deeply. He has things He wants me to do in my lifetime for His cause. Reconstruction and working through these difficult times was hard, but God saw me through. I have learned to pace myself so I can still go hunting with my son that likes the outdoors. Take time to stop what I am doing and go out to eat with my oldest son. God blesses me with the energy and strength to care for and spend time with my special needs child. My loving husband has not given up on me. He helps when I need it and loves me for who I am. I have slowed down and learned to appreciate life more, and spend time with God each day learning more about Him and doing as He wants me to do.
I have accepted what I have and have complete hope in God that I will live a full life for Him. He provides the energy and strength to endure the pain and do what needs done. I had felt for quit sometime He wanted me to start writing but did not do it. I have now listened and feel His guidance with my words I use to help others learn from my experiences. I write for His glory. I can do nothing without Him.
"What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ-the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith."
Philippians 3:8,9 Everything that is gained in life is a loss when compared to the greatness of knowing Christ. He takes our sin and shortcomings and exchanges them for His righteousness.
Through my illness God has changed my life for the better and I have salvation through Jesus Christ and know what wonderful things lie ahead for me in the new paradise..
